Mother's Day 2015

 What a wonderful Mother’s Day.  It started off with waking up to the pitter patter of little feet coming from downstairs, followed by little giggles.  I peeked open the door and asked if I could come down, but no I was instructed to stay in bed.  So I relaxed, for like a ½ HOUR, my time to reflect.  Perfect.  I was then treated to breakfast in bed, a sweet homemade card, and a beautiful bracelet.

 We then headed to the pool for a couple hours.  We have been doing this every Sunday for the past  three weeks.  I love it because it is such great family time, and Mark actually puts down his phone!  Ha ha.  But we have mainly been pooling it up because the kids are in swimming lessons and it has been a rough start and they HATE it, but we are making progress. 

One of the first families I noticed when we got to the pool was a young family, the kids were about 2 and 6 months old.  They stood out because the mom didn’t have any hair and was quite pale.  It is obvious that she is sick.  It made me sad because she was about my age, if not younger.  I ended up talking to her for a bit because Bentley was obsessed with her 6 month old. I wished her a happy Mother’s Day, and asked how her day was going.  Even though she is sick, she had such a positive attitude and was so full of life.  It made me feel sad, it made me feel inspired, it made me feel lucky.  I think the best way to describe what I was feeling is simply grateful.  Grateful for my life, my health, my family.

After our swim, we had a quick lunch and off to downtown to meet up with my brother and his girlfriend to celebrate our mom.  We had a lovely but windy walk, I said a silent prayer to my Angel Mom, then had a speedy ½ mile run with B in my arms getting her to the bathroom because little one had to PEE. 

In the late afternoon we celebrated another important mom, that of course being Mark’s mom Wendy.  We had them over for a barbeque and hopefully she felt loved and appreciated.

It was a truly lovely and busy day.  So blessed to have my two sweet and sassy munchkins.  My heart is complete!

 

Lifestyle Sistas - Photos of Me

My friend Deena and Christy are part of this series (see picture below) and I thought it would be fun to join in on this one.

I think this link-up intrigued me because I have been doing a lot of work on my self esteem the last year, learning to be comfortable in my own skin, love what God blessed you with (in my case a bootylisious booty!).  This is a lot of work, changing the way you view yourself.  It really takes a lot of training your mind to not think so negatively about yourself.  I think it will always be a work in progress.  However, I believe it is working because as I went through my pictures, I was having a hard time narrowing it down to my top five.  No, I am now not conceited, but I am trying to see beauty in myself.  So when I look at a picture, I first think of what I like about it, whether it be physical, or emotional.  And if I can't come up with anything positive, I just delete it.  Anyway, here are my top 5:

Our Engagement Session - Pure true love

 

Our wedding - I think this pic is so elegant, and I like my butt

 

 

Karter looks so in love with me here!

 

My favorite hair day ever!

 

I think I look super cute here!

 

Me and my sweet girl

 

Ok, that's six, not five.  Lol. 

 

The Last of the Firsts

 

A year of firsts has come to an end tomorrow on the anniversary of your death.  First birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas without you is now behind us.  It has been a hard year, but it has also been a year of courage, a year of growth, reflection and healing.  To say I am over your death would be a lie, but I am beginning to function with life without you.  On the eve of your death, I feel the urge to write you a letter.  Here it goes:

Dearest Mom,

I know you have seen me shed many tears over you this last year.  I can’t help it, I miss you so much.  I need to, I need to cry, to feel sad. I still sit here and can't believe you are gone.  I think back to this night a year ago when they called us in to palliative, that you were dying.  I remember hanging up the phone in shock.  How could I be in shock?  Silly I know, you were in palliative care, where people go to die.  I think until that moment when I received the phone call I didn't believe you were dying. I have stuck by and believed in you no matter what you were battling throughout the years, and this was no different.  I didn't want to stop believing in you and your power to overcome.  Losing you that day, that was the hardest day of my life.  I pray we did everything right for you and helped you let go peacefully.

I hope that you approved of your funeral and felt love from all that attended.  I remember when we started pre-planning your funeral you said you didn’t want one because no one would come.  Boy, did we prove you wrong.  I know I didn’t give a speech, I just couldn’t, I wasn’t strong enough.  I hope you understand.

It was so hard cleaning out your apartment.  I couldn't be in there alone, and even if Greg made a trip out to the garbage, I had to go with him. Thank you for giving me guidance as to what you wanted us to do with your belongings once you passed away.  It helped make the process easier knowing you approved with what we were doing.  I hope you felt we respected you and your belongings.  I loved going through all your old pictures and special trinkits you had kept from your childhood, precious treasures for us to now cherish forever.  Oh, and we found your cigarettes - busted!  Lol.

A couple months after you passed, I received a text from our daycare lady.  She said Karter was really sad and she asked him what was wrong, he said even though he knew you were in heaven and not sick anymore, that he missed you and started crying.  I had been so consumed in my own grief I forgot that others are grieving too.  I apologize for being so wrapped up in myself, that I didn't comfort and support others as much as I should have. 

I was hoping to somehow feel your presence after you passed.  I felt like I needed a sign that you were ok, or feel some sort of connection to you.  I was waiting for some sign to know that you were around.  In the late fall, I was spending a morning making lasagna’s, chili and pasta sauce.  Definitely something you would have come over to keep me company.  At one point, it was like you were there, I opened my mouth and started to speak to you and turned to the chair at the table where you would be sitting, but you weren’t there.  Even though I physically couldn’t see you, I could feel your presence.  It was such a calming feeling, I had the best day after that.

Then, on August long weekend we were at the cabin, and I went inside to grab Mark and I a drink.  The thought popped into my head “oh, I better check my phone, I am sure mom has called to check in to see how the weekend is going”.  I rushed to my phone and checked it.  But, of course you hadn’t called.  I went outside and shared with Mark what had happened.  He looked up in the sky and said “Aww, hi Grandma Donna”.  Literally, a minute later we had a mishap with the fire in the fire pit, I don’t want to go into details, but I really believe you were watching over us at that moment and was our guardian angel, the outcome could have been a lot worse.

I have felt sorry for myself a lot this year.  A common thought was I am too young to lose my mother.  But, this year I have also seen a six year old, and a nine year old lose their mother.  That is just tragic.  I have been able to start to transition my way of thinking from poor me, to how lucky I was to have you in my life for so long. 

I so wish you could have been at Karter’s first hockey game, I know you would be his biggest fan.  I also know now you have the best seat in the house to watch his games.  But a part of me wants to see you, and see your face light up with excitement when he scores a goal. 

Now that you are gone I have no idea what is going on in Young and the Restless.  Melayna mentioned we should watch it tomorrow when we have a celebration in your honor. 

In closing, even thought the year of firsts is over, I will still continue to grieve and miss you always and forever.  But I will try my hardest to do it with a smile on my face.  Love you to the moon and back Mom.  Oh, and say hi to Elvis for me!

 

The Day I Lost my Mother

Almost 11 months it has been since we had to say goodbye.  I can't believe it.  I also can't believe it has taken 11 months to write this post.  I have sat down many times to write, but it is hard.  It is hard to think about that day.  Don't get me wrong, I think about it quite often, but to write down all the little details and consciously go through the entire day - so sad.  But It is important for me to write it, almost like a tribute to my mom, to write down the details so they will never be forgotten, to write about the beauty that did occur that day, or maybe even to help someone going through the same thing.  Well here it goes:

Mom was in palliative care.  The night before she died, Greg and Melayna were at the hospital and Greg said this is the best day my mom has had in here so far.  She was totally coherent and having conversations.  When I got there she didn't make conversation, but would definitely talk when I spoke to her.  One sad part she said "Aren't you sick of this already", I replied "mom, there is no other place I would rather be".  She replied "I am tired, so tired".  I tried to cheer her up sharing some twizzlers and joking about how hot her male nurse was.  I left telling her I loved her and gave her a gentle hug.

The hospital called at 2:30am and said if we wanted to be there for her passing we should come.  So Mark's mom rushed over and we ended up getting to the hospital the same time as my brother and Melayna.  I was expecting to walk into her room and see her resting peacefully like in the movies, but it was nothing like I imagined it would be.  She was moaning, squirming and throwing her arm up, her eyes were bulging and looking all over.  She seemed very unsettled and scared.  I was scared and shocked and couldn't go close to her, I just melted into Marks arms and cried.  Greg went over and said it's ok mom, we are here now and gently helped her put down her arm.    The nurse came in and gave her some pain medication, which helped settle her down.  I think us being there helped her as well, she wasn't alone.  The nurse said she checked her at 2am and she was fine, but came back at 2:30 and it was totally different. 

It was still hard to be around her but I wanted to be strong for her, her eyes were open the whole time and she was just staring all over, but looking through you, breathing real heavy and making these sad noises.   It was sad that her eyes were open, I think the nurse could tell it was bothering me.  She said, she is being greeted by loved ones, coming to gather around her for when she is ready to transition to the other side.  That is what she is looking at.  She isn't scared. 

We just sat there for the longest time staring at her, then I remembered my mom would not like us doing that, so we started sharing stories of mom.  We had lots of laughs and tears.  I read that their hearing is the last to go, so I hope my mom heard some of our stories.

The doctor came around 10:30 and he couldn't believe how quickly she deteriorated.  He said it could be 2 hours or two days, so hard to tell and that she was in a coma.  He also encouraged us to talk to her, that her hearing is the last to go.  Since we figured it may be some time before mom passes,  Greg and Melayna left to go let their dog out and Mark went home quickly to get a few things.  The nurses came and bathed her and put on a clean nightgown.  After that I had a good talk with her alone - it was so beautiful for me and I hope it was for her.  I told her how much she is loved by all, how sorry I was that she couldn't be there to see our kids grow up, that Grandpa and Grandma were waiting for her, that even though we will miss her so much it was her time to go, to be at peace and free of pain.  In preparing for my moms passing, I had done some research on what the signs are that someone is getting ready to pass as well as how to help them pass peacefully and the way they wish.  I had read that sometimes the dying don't want you to see them take their last breath and prefer to die alone, so I told her, I am going to the washroom mom, if you want to die alone, I understand.  This is your journey.  I tried to take my time, and when I got back she was still alive. 

Greg and Melayna came back and Greg requested he have some time alone with her and would call/text if anything changed.  Mark and I went and got a bite to eat in the hospital cafeteria.  I had my phone on vibrate and literally didn't take my eyes off it the entire meal.  Mark wanted to phone his sister to see how the kids were doing so we went outside for a walk, and I put my phone in my purse.  Yes, I put my phone in my purse.  I don't know if it was the lack of sleep, but I just sat there dazed listening to Mark talk to his sister.  A couple minutes went by and I realized "my phone, oh my goodness my phone"!  I immediately grabbed it and there were two texts from Greg and a missed call, her breathing had changed, come back.  We ran through the hospital, the elevator ride seemed to take a lifetime, I literally felt like I was on an episode of Grey's Anatomy, but when we got back to her room she was already gone.  We literally missed it by 10 seconds.  She passed away at 12:30pm on August 27th.

The nurse came in and put a beautiful blanket on her, closed her eyes and crossed her arms.  She looked so peaceful.  So free of pain.  I believe my mom didn't want me to witness her passing, it was her last gift to me, but I will write about that in another post.

Mark called the funeral home.  We of course stayed till they came.  After they arrived, we said our goodbyes and I requested that a fuzzy blanket her cousin had brought my mom stay with her.  My mom was always cold, I wanted her to be warm, I know silly.  We started walking down the hallway.  When we got to the end of palliative care, ugh, this still brings me to tears every time.  I turned around to look at her room one last time.  I don't know what I was expecting to see.  But what I did was the funeral attendants were standing outside her door, one on each side of the door, with their hands together, kind of like how the military stand at attention.  It just showed such respect for my mom, for my family.  They were respecting us and waiting till we left before moving her, even though it was just her physical body  it was such comfort knowing her body was in such good care.  I will never forget that image, never. 
 

It's Been Awhile

There is so many things I could talk about, how I started back to work and it is going awesome, how my little girl is getting so darn big, how awesome my son is, but today was a tough day and I need to vent.

I took my mom to get her CT scan results today.  We both had a bad feeling going into the appointment.  I was worried with the horrible upper back pain she has been having that the cancer was now in her bones.  But, the doctor never mentioned anything about the cancer spreading so that was good.  However, the tumor in her lung has doubled in size since her last CT scan in April.  So it has grown from 3cm to 6cm's in less then three months.  This means the cancer is no longer in remission.

The doc gave her two options.  He said he was in a hard place because he could not recommend a high dose chemo due to my mom having such a bad reaction to it.  So option one is to provide a low dosage chemo.  This will not shrink the tumor but hopefully slow it down.  Option two was palliative care which means letting the cancer take it's course and they will provide her with drugs to keep her comfortable as well as emotional support.  I was not looking forward to this day because my mom has been firm in not doing any more chemo.  I can't blame her, she had such a horrible previous experience.  But, to my surprise this old lady still has some fight left in her and has decided to go ahead with the treatments.  Her exact words were "Well, I really don't have anything else going on in my day".  Lol. 

I am so proud of my mom that she wants to continue to fight.  The doctor did say if it gets to be so much she can stop at any time, so I think there is comfort in that.

I tried to stay strong and not cry.  I had to wheel her to go get an x-ray, so while she was getting that done I had a quick cry.  Of course, at that moment one of Mark's friends girlfriends came around the corner.  I felt so stupid, I was a sobbing mess, but whatever she understood. 

While we were waiting to see the doctor, there was a little girl around eight with a pic line in.  My mom said that it really bothers her to see kids with cancer.  At least she has lived her life.  My mom said she has even seen a two month old with cancer in the clinic. Anyway, the little girl went in to get treatment.  When she came out she was so proud to show off the stickers she got to her brother.  Then she said, "I didn't forget about you brother, I got you a chocolate bar".  It just touched my heart that this little girl is going through cancer and she still thought about her brother.

This afternoon I talked to my dad who earlier this week had 2 liters of fluid drained from in between his lung and ribs.  He got a CT scan done as well.  The doctor called him in today and they drained almost another two liters!  His CT scan showed some abnormalities in some lymph nodes.  They are going to wait for the results from the fluid but the doctor said it could be a virus or lymphoma and that he was leaning towards lymphoma.  He will have to get a biopsy done to confirm this though.  At least if it is cancer this type is quite treatable, so I am not freaking out. 

So yes, this was a crappy day.  As I sit her writing this, I am sipping on a big f*cking alcoholic beverage.  And surprisingly, or not, I am starting to feel a bit better ;)

Sorry Candace - I Had To

We were that cool back in the day.  Enough said.

Ups and Downs

I have been meaning to blog a lot more about our journey of my mom and her cancer.  I am not sure why I haven't - lack of time - depressing - but I feel it is time I need to give an update/vent. 

First - my mom has been nothing but courageous with her battle.  She underwent chemo and radiation.  I will never forget when she started losing her hair.  It was coming out in chunks and I remember her calling me crying, saying she looked hidious.  So we decided it was time to shave her head.  It was a sad day, one I will never forget - May long weekend.  As hard as that moment was for her and for me, I was so honored to be there and proud of my mom.  I couldn't shave it, so Marks mom came over.  We all cried but it was empowering.  I made sure to tell my mom how beautiful she looked with a shaved head.  And - I meant it!

She felt like a rockstar for the most of the treatments.  She was given the max doses for chemo and radiation.  At the end of her radiation treatments she really went down hill.  So much so that at one of her cancer appointments at the beginning of August her levels were all messed up that she was admitted into the hospital where she stayed for three weeks.  I was surprised and taken back by this.  I had no idea my mom was so sick from the treatments.  I felt like a bad daughter for not noticing.  I know I was preoccupied with a two month old, but I still felt like an idiot.  My mom later told me that on the second night in the hospital she woke up and "saw the light", but said "no way, it is not my time yet".  It was hard juggling a baby and getting in daily hospital visits.  I couldn't stay for long, I felt like I wasn't doing enough.  I tried to accomodate by buying the hospital cable tv for her and bringing the paper/magazines.  It is hard being stuck - I want to be with my mom - but I have this young family that is relying on me.  I know my mom appreciated all I could do for her at the time.  At this point the tumor had shrunk dramatically and there was no sign of the cancer anywhere else.

When she got out of the hospital she had some of her energy back.  She was still weaker and naseated but could still make us home made buns/cinnamon buns/rice crispy cake, so I knew she was ok.  Ha ha. 

The following months were ok.  Her scans were good.  I was nervous for the one in December because I wanted Christmas to be a positive experience for us all.  And it was.  The tumor was pretty much gone! 

But the nasea never did go away and the energy never came back full throttle.  My mom was discouraged with not feeling great and expressed this to her doctor.  He made the point that she did almost die and it takes a long time to recover from that.  So I think she felt not the best, but was hopeful that she would recover. 

Then came January.  My mom called me and said she thought she had a stroke.  Her left side was numb and her leg was not functioning good.  It was like it was asleep.  My brother and I took her to the walk in clinic and after the doctor heard her story he thought it had spread to her brain.  Very crappy news.  Another weird symptom was that it was taking her a long time to urinate.  She was pretty much wheelchair bound for the next couple weeks.  When we got in to see the cancer doctor he was upset that tests had not been done sooner.  That day they did an ultrasound on her kidneys - they were concerned they were failing.  Luckily, that came out good.  They did a ct scan and that looked good also.  So the last step was an MRI of her spine.  A couple days later she went in to get her results.  I honestly thought they were going to be positive results, so I felt that I did not need to go with her and she got a ride from the cancer center volunteers.  But, our luck had run out and there are multiple spots on her upper spine close to her neck.  What a regret not being there with her.  I would hate to hear that news by myself. 

So the next step is my mom gets monthly injections to strengthen her bones.  I think she gets a ct scan in about a months time and then chemo and possibly radiation.  My mom is pretty upset about this and as of now told me she is refusing treatment.  God - what do you say.  I want to scream at her fight, fight.  You have to, for me, for Greg, for Karter, and Bentley.  But then I see how much she has struggled since treatment.  I understand quality of life,  being sick isn't much quality.  But she is still alive!  I just don't know what to do.  I have talked to her trying to be encouraging, saying that they would not be giving you as much chemo/radiation this time.  I think she is waiting to see what the cancer doctors say.  As in, time span for if she does treatment vs refuses treatment. 

I wanted to end on a positive note.  The support I have received from friends and family has really touched my heart.  I know with my friends I have not talked a lot about my feelings - but that said I know I could call anyone of them up and they would lift me up.  Mark, of course, is wonderful.  He is very encouraging and there to give me a hug and smile whenever I need it.  Marks parents are truly a blessing in my life.  Wendy is one of the most caring and thoughtful people I know.  Whether it is shaving my moms head, taking care of the kids so I can take my mom to appointments, giving my mom magazines, or just listening to me, she is there.  She even makes meals for my mom and freezes them so she does not have to cook. She has enough on her plate with her very close sister who is very sick with cancer - but still thinks about my mom.  What a lady.  When I say that I hit the jackpot marrying into Marks family I mean it.  Anyway, love you all and goodnight!

 Mom, Karter and Bentley

My mom and godmother.  I love old pictures

 Oh she was smokin' back in the day!